I’ve lost more than a few nights of sleep trying to decide how to write this post. How much of this part of my story should I tell? Do I err on the side of caution, keeping back details that some might deem too personal to share? Do I tell it all and risk being ostracized, being judged for things I will never be able to go … Continue reading “I Am Not Throwing Away My Shot”
I listened to a little girl scream for hours last night because her mother wouldn’t open her eyes. The entire floor was at a stand still. IV pumps beeped but no one heard them, medication times passed but no one called to have them filled. I laid there in the dark, locked in the fetal position, and cried. Eventually my nurse came in, visibly shaken. … Continue reading “You Don’t Deserve a Point of View, if the Only Thing You See is You”
2016 has been the most difficult, confusing, and heartbreaking year of my life. In January I made the decision to stay in Florida, hoping that a few months of focusing strictly on my health would be enough to get my life back on the track I had planned for it. In August I realized that it was going to take more than a few months, maybe more than the rest of my life, to get back what cancer took, and I said goodbye to Los Angeles, my city, my dream, my life I spent 18 years working towards. I spent months upon months in the hospital, trying to understand if the debilitating pain I was in was real or a figment of my imagination, a warning sign that something was terribly wrong or a just trick played by my brain because it wanted more pain medicine. I watched a friendship I have relied on since the second grade, a friendship I thought would outlast both of our lives, dissolve into nothing, not sure if it was my fault, not sure if I even had the right to be angry. I spent three days in the ICU with sepsis and pneumonia, wishing I was brave enough, selfish enough, to refuse treatment and just drift away with the pain. Over and over again I found hope, a reason to fight, an exciting new treatment, only to have ripped out from under me, setting me two steps farther back than I was. I cried happy tears when my best friend asked me to be her maid of honor only to spend a week on the couch surrounded by tissues when the world changed on November 8th and I realized we were on very different sides of issues I cannot overlook. The pain on the faces of my family, of the people I love most, is impossible to ignore anymore – the pain they feel for my suffering, and though they would never say it, for the suffering they endure daily because of me. I don’t believe in god, but if I did I would be pretty damn sure he’d lost control of any plan he had for me.