“You Don’t Deserve a Point of View, if the Only Thing You See is You”

I listened to a little girl scream for hours last night because her mother wouldn’t open her eyes. The entire floor was at a stand still. IV pumps beeped but no one heard them, medication times passed but no one called to have them filled. I laid there in the dark, locked in the fetal position, and cried. Eventually my nurse came in, visibly shaken. … Continue reading “You Don’t Deserve a Point of View, if the Only Thing You See is You”

“She’s Always been Hopeless at Hoping, Always Coped Badly with Coping”

2016 has been the most difficult, confusing, and heartbreaking year of my life. In January I made the decision to stay in Florida, hoping that a few months of focusing strictly on my health would be enough to get my life back on the track I had planned for it. In August I realized that it was going to take more than a few months, maybe more than the rest of my life, to get back what cancer took, and I said goodbye to Los Angeles, my city, my dream, my life I spent 18 years working towards. I spent months upon months in the hospital, trying to understand if the debilitating pain I was in was real or a figment of my imagination, a warning sign that something was terribly wrong or a just trick played by my brain because it wanted more pain medicine. I watched a friendship I have relied on since the second grade, a friendship I thought would outlast both of our lives, dissolve into nothing, not sure if it was my fault, not sure if I even had the right to be angry. I spent three days in the ICU with sepsis and pneumonia, wishing I was brave enough, selfish enough, to refuse treatment and just drift away with the pain. Over and over again I found hope, a reason to fight, an exciting new treatment, only to have ripped out from under me, setting me two steps farther back than I was. I cried happy tears when my best friend asked me to be her maid of honor only to spend a week on the couch surrounded by tissues when the world changed on November 8th and I realized we were on very different sides of issues I cannot overlook. The pain on the faces of my family, of the people I love most, is impossible to ignore anymore – the pain they feel for my suffering, and though they would never say it, for the suffering they endure daily because of me. I don’t believe in god, but if I did I would be pretty damn sure he’d lost control of any plan he had for me.

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